The Beginning, an End, and Another Beginning

It’s been a long and wild ride since the first time I entered the studio. I remember the day very well. First thing Viet did when I arrived (with my mom in tow by the way) was offer me (and mom) a shot of Jack in celebration of my arrival. He had worked for a solid year since we met to get me to quit modeling in Seoul and finally submit to the hobby that was consuming my life. It ended up being the best decision I ever made but it sure didn’t feel like it for the few weeks I lived on the couch at the studio.

Viet immediately put me to work and I was eager to learn. I worked beside him for 12+ hours a day, absorbing all the knowledge I could and probably drinking a bit too much alcohol in the process. During my apprenticeship as a honored “lackey” of the studio I worked on Titans, many armies, display boards, and a host of other projects that blew my mind but were a usual feature of the studio’s output. They were the things that had made Viet’s name known far and wide along with his larger than life personality. He was “that guy that got drunk at every event but was an awesome guy with a beautiful army” or “that guy that always puts guns and alcohol in his Warhammer pics.” He was known for his antics, kind heart, friendly nature, and his incredible panting skill. I was extremely grateful he had allowed me in to learn the non-secrets he had accumulated through the years he painted and I felt very at home painting beside him in the studio. He fostered my specific interests, mostly display painting related stuff since he hated that. It was a good balance of skills since I honestly hated the monotony of assembly line army painting (and he knew that). I spent over a year with this routine, show up, paint, have fun, go home, and do it all again the next day. I was more than happy to be on that grind even if my joking complaints would have you think otherwise.

Everyone familiar with his story will know what comes next.

I spent the days following Viet’s passing picking up the pieces. Somewhat literally too as a few days after the accident, his least favorite titan had magically decided to fall off the table in the display room. I saw it as one last thing he sent to aggravate me. I picked up that Warbringer and glued everything back together, cursing him the whole time. I spent a lot of time just sitting in the collection room, surrounded by the pieces that had so much of his life and passion poured into them. It was daunting to think I was the bearer of the torch now. How could I ever keep everything going? How could I live up to his legacy? I tried to keep everything rolling at the same momentum as it was when he passed. Have to make YouTube videos, need to stream, have to finish commissions, onboard new clients, train another painter, have to keep going, no brakes, keep the ball rolling otherwise I have wasted what he worked so hard to achieve. The internet is a fast moving place and if you aren’t constantly putting yourself in front of people then you’re forgotten. I couldn’t let that happen. I also know now, thinking back on it, that I was keeping myself busy so I didn’t have time to stop and think about my own feelings.

A year into my non stop frantic attempt at keeping the motion going, my body decided I was going to slow down whether I wanted to or not. I finally went to the doctors to try and understand why I was in crippling pain all the time and discovered I had a herniated disc in my neck. It put pressure on all the nerves in my right shoulder and arm. Fantastic. Not like that’s my money maker painting hand or anything. I worked to find a solution to the pain which thankfully I have but I spent the entire past year in varying degrees of pain and it reduced my capacity to work significantly. Like the stubborn creature I am, I didn’t want to change my pace as that would be “admitting defeat” in my mind so I kept taking on way too much. Viet and I shared the bad habit of saying yes to every project and event that excites us only to realize we committed to way too much. We put the “Pro” in Procrastinations for sure.

After my body forced me to slow down a bit, I had more time to stop and think about what I was doing. Was I enjoying it? Was I doing what Viet wanted me to do? With the amount of stress and suffering I had inflicted on myself, the answer was unequivocally no but I still had it in my stubborn head that I had to keep doing as Viet would have done. I had a few revelations that slowly allowed me to realize the true vision Viet had for his studio, me, and his whole life.

The first one was some guy on Instagram leaving a mean comment on my memorial post for him implying I hadn’t carried on the legacy of the studio. Mean comments don’t happen often which is nice but this one hit me in a bad spot. What had I been trying to do this whole time? was that not enough? Then something beautiful happened. One of our mutual friends that was very close to Viet came to my defense. “…He was the type of person that wouldn’t have wanted Rachel to feel tethered to continuing his legacy; he would support her direction in life as long as it made her happy, and especially if it was related to Warhammer at all. That’s just who he was.” I knew it in my head but reading it from another person made it feel so much more concrete. Why was Viet’s work so special and why did he have such a wonderful community? It’s because that was his true passion and he wanted to share that joy with as many people as he could. The message that became part of my creed going forward was It’s ok if what I do is different than what he did as long as it’s what I love and I share it with others.

The second one was killing my impostor syndrome. I went from studio apprentice to unwilling “sensei” in the span of a very unfortunate day. I was now the head of a legacy that Viet built for years. He was Sensei Swag and I was just a “lackey.” I don’t think you can ever be ready to lose someone who you are so close to and look up to. I felt woefully unprepared to handle everything I had taken on and the worst part was I felt like a true impostor. It wasn’t my studio, it was the studio he built and I was just taking on the name. I had a lot of friendliness and love extended to me by the community at large and it felt undeserved. I felt I was just being given the goodwill by association and not because I earned it. Adepticon 2025 was the event for me to let that feeling go. I finally got to go to Golden Demon. I was in awe of the talent on display and I was inspired seeing works in person I had only ever seen online. It sounds a bit narcissistic but the thing that told me I was really here and doing my own thing was having so many of my peers come up and know who I was from my own work. For the first time I felt like an equal among my peers and not just a representative in the stead of Viet. I was able to meet some of my biggest inspirations and learn from their wisdom. I finally felt at home in my place as the head of the studio and felt confident that I was doing the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like I’m “doing it live” for sure but I have comfort in knowing that most of my peers are as well. It’s in the chaos and uncertainty that creativity can really thrive after all.

So this has been a really long exposition and if you’re here at the end (the beginning) thank you for reading to the red bull fueled ramble. I write this to inform and to have as a record for myself. A lot of the time between starting with the studio and now has been undocumented since I was far too busy trying to figure it all out. I felt like I was running downhill and barely keeping up with my momentum before but now I feel I’m running on flat ground. I’ve also made huge progress with my health and neck. I’d say I’m about 80% back to normal. I intend for this blog to be a place I can share my knowledge and chronicle my experiences. I can’t edit videos well, nor do I have the wherewithal to stop and film in the chaos, but I can sit and type my thoughts out to share with you. I hope this has given you something, even if it’s just an understanding of how my life has been. I want you to know it’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to take your life in a different direction. The people that love you will still be there to support you even if you take a break. Take care of your mind and body and enjoy life. These are things I still need to remind myself to do but it’s alright, progress is not a straight line but as long as you take a step every day in the right direction then you’re doing great. And to the community of amazing people that has been around me and supporting me since I first began this hobby, thank you so much for being here for me. I literally could not have done any of this without all of you.

Where does Sensei Swag go from here? Only time will tell but I can say now with confidence that it’s going in a direction that makes me happy and that’s really what it’s all about.